You can't motorboat a personality
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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