Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
