naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
