Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
pray to the hookup gods
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
