Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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