OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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