I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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