Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
