There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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