He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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