capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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