you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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