I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
