I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
