seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize