is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
