we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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