12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
