what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
