my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I smell like Dick and happiness
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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