it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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