A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's blow job season.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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