he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
