Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
