I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
