If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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