can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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