roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
