Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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