Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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