dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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