My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
