can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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