We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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