I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
