WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
tell me about the fingering
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