Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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