someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
