You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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