Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
