my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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