So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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