My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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