Don't make out with my wife yet
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
