It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
