Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A bitchslap is in order.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
