ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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