Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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