I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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