apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize