i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
