i need an iv and a liver transplant
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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