It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize