ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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