I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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