Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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