we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
