booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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