The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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